Disappointment

“Not even once

Did we see a light

We didn’t realize

The forecast had been revised

By moonless skies and

Shifty wind that gusts and dies”

-Tennis

 

What does disappointment physically feel like to you?  Does it get swept away by sadness?  Anger?  Apathy?  I think disappointment is a visceral feeling, one that you can actually feel in the stomach or lungs or wherever you might feel fullness and then a sudden emptiness.  I know I’ve felt disappointment after crying, saying to myself, I’m not just sad, I’m disappointed.  Do you find yourself disappointed often, or do you believe that you disappoint others often?  The unique aspect of this feeling is that it is one of the only ones you can inflict on others.  People say “you made me angry” or “you make me happy” but you know that they might get the response, “You know that no one can make you feel something right?  You choose to feel it.”  But with disappointment, there isn’t much doubt.  Your boyfriend ghosts you, your friend deserts you, your family doesn’t understand you.  They disappoint you.  Sure, you choose to feel it, but how can you not?  With anger, you can talk yourself through it sometimes: “it’s not worth it,” “maybe there’s a misunderstanding,” “maybe I did something,” etc.  But you are disappointed by them, regardless.  It feels a little less harsh than anger, so you may be able to tolerate or hold onto it longer.

With disappointment, there are always expectations behind the scenes.  One cannot live without some expectations in their lives, from themselves or from others.  In themselves or in others.  So do you lower your expectations when you find yourself disappointed frequently?  Or do you raise your expectations even more, perhaps subconsciously or unconsciously looking to be disappointed to keep proving your point?

If you are a fan of the show Big Little Lies, but haven’t watched the second season, skip this part.  If you have watched it, you may recall the scene in which Renada, played by Laura Dern, is asked by her husband if she’s mad at him after he is deceitful and bankrupts the family.  She says she is not and her explanation is piercing.  She blames herself for believing in him, despite all the signs that he was not to be trusted.  Disappointment in oneself is painful.  You can’t run and hide or fight yourself, though people certainly try via substances, sex, and other pleasurable and painful distractions.  But, unlike avoiding or defeating another being and cutting them out completely or for a really long time, you are always back, facing yourself, resurfacing in the mirror shortly after the distractions.  Detachment can only go on steadily for so long.

I’ve noticed that sometimes it’s easier to be disappointed by a system than by a specific situation, like the government or some other large group or organization.  Sometimes this kind of disappointment can lead to activism and change in the world.  But the feeling itself doesn’t change much of anything.  If you find yourself disappointed with something much bigger than you, can you figure out at least one concrete step you can take to create, or begin to create, change?  Can you trace the disappointment to something smaller, something more specific?  Can you do anything about it?  If not, you may need to let the feeling go.  Acknowledge it, take note of any effort you have put toward changing the circumstance that brought it out, and let it go.  When we throw helplessness into our disappointment, and dwell on this combination of feeling and inertia, we sink to the bottom of a very deep sea.  If we are stuck at sea and see no land in sight, isn’t it better to find a raft, a log, whatever we can float on & some shade until we get somewhere rather than struggle with an element we cannot control?

 

This Must be the Place by the Talking Heads

Something about this song carries the feeling of discontent, with high I see as a form of disappointment.  There is longing for attachment but also refrain.  Disappointment is kind of like the space between the two.

Needed Me by Rihanna

This song has an interesting way of demonstrating the shifting of power in relationships.  Rihanna seems to express disappointment through defensiveness.  I guess through the creation of this song she takes the power back.

The Glorious Land by P.J. Harvey

An example of disappointment in a system.  The image of “deformed children” really speaks to the desperation one feels in absolute powerlessness when disappointment is so big and seemingly unchangeable.

Recite, Remorse by Waxahatchee

The pace of this song expresses disappointment well.  The lyrics move us through it, too.  I like how the singer takes responsibility for her own disappointment when she says “I saw you as a big fish, as a conquest.”  She is aware of the futility in conquering another, yet she feels otherwise.

I’ve Been Let Down by Mazzy Star

The title says it all.  Mazurek captures moods so well!

BONUS! Marathon by Tennis

I thought I might end on a poppy disappointment song.  Finding something disappointing, realizing it was just unexpected, and sailing along, triumphantly.