Anger

I spent my hatred every place

On every work, on every face

Someone gave me wishes

And I wished for an embrace

-Leonard Cohen

This is arguably the most difficult emotion, aside from fear, for people to experience.  Both kids and adults are usually able to access anger pretty quickly, especially if it is the secondary emotion (EFT founder Sue Johnson talks about this in her work.  I’ll come back to it in a bit).  It is easily recognizable when it wants to be.  An intelligent, insightful young woman told me recently that she thinks of anger not as an emotion but as a behavior.  It’s that powerful, that palpable.  It is a deceptive, insidious companion.  It has a life of its own.  It is a feeling, a verb, a little troublemaker.  Seemingly, very little good can come from it, and yet it has the capacity to do great work, if you allow it.

Some people are afraid of anger.  Some keep it close to them at all times, like one of those dogs with the scary wiring around the mouth after doing something wrong.  You know he or she can’t attack you but just seeing that contraption illicits fear probably more so than a contraption-less dog snarling.  Seeing a dog that has lost its ability to roam free, to pant, to lick grass and poo, is also extremely sad.  Anger locks us up.  Jail or otherwise.  It freezes us or persuades us to fight.  The transition from feeling to doing is so quick that we can barely stop ourselves.  Kids know this as well as grown, guarded adults.  There is barely any processing time.

I keep coming back to this post as it sits incomplete.  It’s hard to give only one reason for putting it off. Here’s one: writing about anger is also difficult.  If I’m not in the middle of experiencing it, it’s hard to describe its fervor, it’s disorganized explosion.  If I am in the middle of experiencing it, then writing about it, especially in this detached, intellectualized way is equivalent to being forced to attend a party while having a flu or something as simple but as infuriating as being asked to calm down.  Maybe it’s my own avoidance of the feeling!  So many reasons, possibly, or maybe not that many.  All I can say, or want to say right now, is that anger is too easily available to feel when what we are really feeling is probably something else.  That is, if it comes up too easily and we try to avoid it then it’s most likely something else.  Because if it’s anger and we say it’s anger it starts to go away from that instant.  Not instantly but the end process begins.  Emotion examining expert Sue Johnson says anger is a secondary emotion.  It’s the emotion we get to first, defensively, before we get to the primary emotion.  Johnson works mostly with couples and describes the dysfunctional cycle/dance that couples engage in where anger is often the visible and visceral emotion.  Think about all the feelings that someone who loves you can help you work through… aside from anger!  That’s the one no one ones to get near, so maybe that’s why we use it?  If we are vulnerable, why would we want anyone to come near us?  Even though that’s exactly what we want?  Because we only want it if we’re safe!  If there’s any doubt, any possibility that we’re not safe, better have our weapons out.  Only problem is the weapon is destructive.  Weapons are destructive, people.

Now that I’m in a bit of a cynical mood, I want to say there’s a great book out there called The Dance of Anger written by Harriett Lerner, but I haven’t read it.  All I know is it’s a classic and it’s sitting on my bookshelf in my office appearing as if it’s been read by me.  Nope!  I don’t think I’m avoiding it since I know I have a stack of more interesting looking books to read plus a business to run plus 2 children under 3, but I could be avoiding it too… I’d just rather read short stories instead!

I’m not sure I have anything else to add here except this quote I’ve shared with lots of folks and possibly shared in another post but don’t feel like checking: “Anger is depression or sadness turned outward, sadness is anger turned inward.”  Sit with that for a moment and see if it’s kinda true for you.

I picked these classic songs because anger is such a classic, staple emotion.  It is a tried and true feeling that needs to be validated.  But, like all the other feelings, needs to be challenged if it is ever going to be resolved, or, at the very least, dissolved.

Violet by Hole

This is a good example of sadness and pain expressed outwardly, reactively.  One is heard more when one is accusatory: “you get what you want, and you never want it again,  go on take everything, take everything.” Sure this could be self talk, but the anger in this song implies it is someone else causing the pain.  Imagine if the lyrics were something like “I gave you wanted and then you disappeared” and “I have nothing left.”  Same message right?  But a different feeling; one that is so much harder to sit with if you desire control, to take action.  Anger gives you the illusion of power, but, like a wired faced dog, is scary at first and then, ultimately, sad to see.

Teacher by Leonard Cohen

This is what I mean about “don’t come near me… but give me a hug and don’t mind the sharp knife I have in my hand!”

Play with Fire by Rolling Stones

Isn’t this the best threat song?  It’s just simple and perfect.

50 ft Queenie by PJ Harvey

PJ makes a lot of appearances on Moodmix.  She has such a great vulnerability to her.  It is raw and straight forward while also theatrical and just enough removed to appreciate as art.  Art is so effective.

Sorry by Beyoncé

I love how subversive this is.  The song is called Sorry but it is certainly not an apology!  It’s absolutely unapologetic.  And yet the words “By the time you read it, I’ll be far away, I’m far away… Me and my baby… We gon’ live a good life” brings out so much pain, right?