Guilt

“I watched the color fade

into another kind of blue

It was one of my moods”

-Hand Habits

 

I promise not to reference Brene Brown in every blog post (or try not to, at least) but discussing guilt without mentioning her is like talking about a ballad’s meaning without mentioning the lyrics (unless it’s an instrumental “ballade”).  Obviously she hasn’t been around as long as the earliest song, but I believe she is a wise and thorough researcher and her work has helped people so much and will continue to for a long time.  You can read more about the guilt vs shame stuff she talks about here.

I remember learning early on in my career that guilt is essential to life.  That it is a big motivator for change (unlike shame).  The psychiatrist who taught me this was a classically trained psychoanalytic psychotherapist who also imprinted in my mind that a child who cannot button up a shirt and hop on one foot is not ready for potty training.  He taught me a lot of random Freudian and developmental theory stuff but the power of guilt stuck with me.  It is a feeling that you cannot summon without empathy, which is essential to humanity if we are to keep from ending every conflict by killing each other.

Guilt is waking up late but still making time for an elaborate eggs benedict breakfast at the expense of being late to work.  Guiltis not calling back your grandmother because you’re irritated, even though she needs your help.  Guilt is going on vacation while your coworker barely scrapes by because she has more expenses than you, or while there’s a family you’ve been working with for years who has never traveled outside a 60 mile radius of their home.  Guilt is forgetting, begrudging, belittling, disregarding.  And more.  It is a feeling that surfaces when you know you can do better than that or when you think you haven’t done enough.

There is such thing as too much guilt, though.  Just like too much sadness or too much worry.  It is a feeling that you must come to terms with and release, whether or not there is a solution to the behavior or situation you feel guilty about.  Once, I explored the concept of feeling guilt about not feeling guilt about an action.  That was still guilt.  It still felt as bad, as real as the expected guilt that never happened.

The only similarity it has to shame (although they can sometimes appear like twins) is that it’s not easy to share with others.  I don’t know anybody who has a strong desire to divulge their guilt inducing behaviors, except for maybe immediately after it happens.  The feeling is a visceral discomfort that we share with those whom we trust, because they will either say it’s okay or yeah, that happened to me too.  This kind of unburdening is healing.  Sometimes, in therapy, people find that they didn’t have enough trustworthy companions in their lives in the past or present to help them unburden.  Or, they unburdened and were shamed (“you always do that!”).  Or something was misinterpreted and the feeling stayed with them, piling up on other guiltmemories until the pile started to look like, or turned into, shame.

When did you last experience guilt?  Did it hurt?  Did you feel it in your stomach?  In your lungs when you took a deep breath?  Did it wake you up?  Did you share the feeling with anyone?  Did you work through it yourself?

Here are the songs that evoke guilt beautifully and succinctly.  Try to think of one time you felt guilt recently or in the past.  The purpose here is not to dwell, but to give the feeling a place to settle and then leave.  Listen to the songs and see if they share your story in some way.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWHm3jWJn_RzLhJeKHk9EGlOU00ujqZsW

 

1. These Seven Words by Weyes Blood

I’m still not sure what the seven words are in the song are but this song can teach us how to face tomorrow after we’ve done something we regret.

2. Portions for Foxes by Rilo Kiley

The lyrics in this song could be mistaken for feelings of shame as Jenny sings “I’m bad news” but saying something and actually feeling it are not the same.  You can make shameful statements but still manage not to let them chip away at your worth.  Of course, positive self talk is always a healthier way to go.  Regardless, taking a feeling and turning it into a song is a subliminal and highly functional defense.  If you’re going to reach for a defense, it might as well be this one.

3. She’s Not Me by Jenny Lewis

Another by Jenny (singer of Rilo Kiley) to show the lingering effect of guilt and how it can carry itself out through a song.  This one tells a story about a broken relationship and the feelings that stick around.

4. Hold on, Hold on by Neko Case

This song evokes the recognition of a pattern of guilt and not just one situation that brings it on.  It could spiral into shame but it doesn’t have to.  Recognizing patterns in behavior is key in changing them, if you are ready.

5. Book on How to Change by Hand Habits

Speaking of change, this song is a lovely reflection of someone who experiences the feelings brought on by a hurtful situation.  This song invites you to empathize with the one you may have hurt, because we have all hurt someone.  It takes strength to admit a mistake and if the situation is appropriate, to apologize.  The person who’s been hurt may not have a song to offer you to help you understand.  This can be a song on their behalf, to help you move past your own hurt by recognizing your own intentional or unintentional actions.