Vulnerability

“I got a broken face

I got a

I got a broken face

Uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh ooo”

Pixies

Vulnerability is one of those gigantic feelings that can make you feel so small, right?  How easily do you recognize vulnerability in yourself?  How easily can you spot it in others?  Sometimes vulnerability looks like something else.  Or a combination of feelings.  Oftentimes it mimics anger.  Sometimes sadness.  You can feel both and more, but it’s important to pay attention to vulnerability when that seems to be the feeling behind all the other ones.

When I talk about feelings, I am really talking about moods.  Emotions, moods and feelings are all subtly different.  Emotions are the first physiological responses, ones we cannot articulate as we experience them.  Feelings soon follow as they interpret these responses.  Moods are often combinations of feelings and are the most subjective of the three as they take into account the context, our experiences in the past and our general cognitive states.

When I write these blogs, I am really referring to moods because they are entirely subjective.  But I call them feelings because I was trained to explore feelings with clients.  I don’t ask, “Can you tell me your mood today?” Or, “what is your emotion?”  These questions are not inappropriate, but they do sound a little awkward.  “How are you feeling?” Is much more common and much more familiar to us.  Of course, many reply with “good” or “ok” or “terrible” (which are not exactly feelings but who am I to judge when I’m working on a “contemplative” Moodmix) and then, once we dive in a little further there are certainly real, palpable feelings lurking.  So it’s tricky.  We start by calling it a feeling, although what is really described is a mood, and then we work to identify the actual feeling, move through it and then attempt to explore the emotion, which is the least obvious but the most immediate reaction to a situation.  A bit confusing!

Some researchers say we have only 6 feelings.  Some say 27.  I don’t like limitations so I stick with moods here.  How does this relate to vulnerability?  It doesn’t really.  But I find myself thinking about these differences because our definitions and the research that is continuously happening leaves us all vulnerable.  Especially therapists, who learn theories and approaches, participate in trainings and practice what we have learned, only to find that some things that we are convinced of to be truths and some things we find, through professional and personal  experiences to be true, can be proven wrong tomorrow.  Or even today.  We are all researchers now, some with research training and some with a passion for learning on our own.  Learning puts us in a vulnerable state.

I’ve only touched upon the vulnerability of my profession and haven’t even begun to explore the vulnerabilities that we all experience from our first day alive.  I’m not sure I know where to begin with that so I will give you a little video about covering the world in leather…  There is also the every day vulnerabilities that we experience, such as getting in our cars, eating new things, showing up to doctors appointments, checking our glucose levels to make sure we don’t give birth to sumo wrestler babies or die of a diabetic coma… and then there’s asking our bosses or colleagues or friends for feedback or telling our favorite people that we love them, sometimes after screwing something up.  Or that we are upset with them for screwing up, even if they are totally oblivious to the offense. The triggers for vulnerability are vast.

So here I give you a snippet of this vastness in 5 songs.  I think it’s safe to say we are always feeling vulnerable.  Why bring it out, if it’s uncomfortable?  Like an enemy or a bully or someone who bothers us, we could learn something by befriending it, or at least hearing its story.  Anything in the shadow is behind us, always, might as well see it for what it is and bring it out into the light.

 

1. Whiteout by Warpaint

Wanting to know everything about someone to protect yourself is impossible and this song is a good reminder of that.  Knowing that this person has vulnerabilities too (in the walls you weaken and up the walls you climb”) is a fact that one doesn’t need to prove.  We all have them.

2. 101 by Alicia Keys

The beauty of this song is that the confessor delivers her vulnerability so powerfully that it’s impossible not to imagine that her subject is feeling the same vulnerability, too.  So, in a song about not having one’s needs met, it’s also a message about accepting that some things are unattainable. So one can move on from feelings of anger and resentment to acceptance, as painful as that can be.

3. Leather by Tori Amos

This one was recommended by a friend who knows vulnerability well as she constantly makes art— an action always subject to criticism, and recently made a baby, which is an act that is also always subject to criticism, as many new moms know.  Pena Chodron, a Buddhist teacher talked jokingly in an interview once, interpreting the words of an old monk, about how everything—people, experiences, mosquitos— is lousy, and suggested that the world be covered in leather.  And, of course, with that being impossible, suggested we all wear leather shoes instead.  In vulnerable moments, we want to change everything around us, when what we really need to do is change our own approaches.

4. Broken Face by the Pixies

This is a good vulnerability song in that it’s confrontational.  The tone, the energy, the lyrics.  It’s like a brutal boxing match between old friends.

5. In My Room by Jacob Dylan and Fiona Apple (written by Brian Wilson)

Covers are the ultimate exercise in vulnerability for obvious reasons.  But this song is an tender exploration of vulnerability as it is done in the comfort of own’s own space.  Much like in therapy, one can use the safe and comfortable space of own’s room to do the work that is required to experience relief from difficult feelings.