Bravery

“The good old day may not return,
the rocks might melt and the sea may burn.
I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings,
coming down is the hardest thing.” Tom Petty (covered by Kurt Vile– see below)

 

Although this post is about feeling brave, it is also a personal lesson in feeling vulnerable. This is the entry that begins a new chapter in my life as I continue working as a psychotherapist taught to keep all personal matters to myself while I simultaneously step into a more public role of exposing my personal tastes, thoughts and opinions with the world, while still doing it through the lens of a therapist. It’s a weird paradox and elicits more than just the feeling of bravery, but this is the feeling I’m sticking with here. Of course I will keep my personal thoughts and opinions to a minimum, only because I could not conceive of how to keep them completely out of this project!

When I reflect on bravery, my first thoughts take me to things like battles and soldiers and masculinity. I think the wise and popular Brene Brown shared the same sentiment in her book on bravery. This is an area I’m unfamiliar with, but, as with clients, I encourage thoughts to come up for me with little judgement because they inevitably lead to more familiar thoughts. When I take a few steps closer, I also think of people who may not be perceived of as masculine or strong doing really powerful things completely outside of their comfort zones. And then when I step even closer to this massive feeling, I see all of humanity, surviving. Living day to day, experiencing the highs and lows, the expected and unexpected, the mundane and the complex, and making the most of these experiences as they become equipped to do it. Give yourself a moment to think about bravery. How do you define it? Who do you think of when you think of someone brave? When were you last feeling brave yourself? It’s interesting how this is not only a feeling, but a way of life. Once you feel it, it’s yours.

I felt brave when I decided to step out of working for others to begin working for myself (for others). I not only accept that helping others is my destiny, I cherish it. Although I worked in a bunch of nonprofits and agencies helping others as either a behavioral counselor, case worker, or therapist since 2006, I took this leap in the winter months of 2018 because I felt that my work was being spread thin and that I wasn’t providing everything I could give to my clients. I was overwhelmed with meeting the numbers as is often expected in nonprofit work (which I understand is one of the main ways nonprofits survive) and decided that I had what it takes to provide good therapy without an agency backing me up. I was completely new to running a business, however, and that was a real challenge. That challenge presented me with insecurities, which trickled into my belief in myself as a therapist, and I had to tackle these insecurities one by one. I will share some of the ways I grapple with insecurities as I present you with the following Moodmix. Before we begin, I want you to know, and will continue to remind you in future Moodmixes, that these songs may not conjure up the same feeling for you. The musicians themselves may have been feeling something else entirely! I am certainly not speaking on their behalf or interpreting their songs for them. They are my interpretations or ones shared with me by others. In fact, the one I will start with was suggested by someone very close to me but resonated with me immediately. These songs may not do the same for you. That’s fine! Listen, reflect, and see if anything resonates. And if another feeling comes up for you, then explore that one instead.

1. The Boss by James Brown

This song just keeps moving. Stride after stride, calmly but always moving forward. Feeling brave is about pushing yourself into the known and unknown. When something doesn’t make sense, you notice it but keep going. It will either make sense later or won’t matter all that much anyway.

2. Sister by Angel Olsen

Feeling brave means facing change. Sometimes you have to change, sometimes you have to stay constant. Your environment will always change, regardless.

3. Territorial Pissings by Cherry Glazerr

(covering Nirvana)

Two messages stand out: First, take a chance by doing something someone else has already done well. Even Nirvana covers another song at the beginning of their song. Second, “Find a better way.” Not better than someone else, but better than what you’ve done before. Bonus message: Enjoy something you loved when you were a kid.

4. Run the Road by Santigold

Your perception of yourself versus other people’s perceptions of you. It is almost impossible to tell yourself that people don’t judge you. It is impossible not to judge yourself. Sometimes you see yourself flying down the road, confident, believing “in the rhythm of the road.” Sometimes you crash, sometimes you break down. Sometimes you have a destination but you drive in circles, sometimes other people see you driving in circles when you think you’re driving to your destination. And sometimes there’s a wall ahead of you. Do you drive into the wall, as google might tell you to? Do you turn around? Do you take the wall down, brick by brick? Or, if it’s concrete or something else seemingly impossible to break, do you find a way around it somehow? And, if someone is watching, do you do it anyway?

5. Learning to Fly by Kurt Vile (covering Tom Petty)

Another cover, another chance to feel the glow that usually follows the feeling of bravery. Learning to fly when you have wings is procedural. Learning to fly when you don’t have wings teaches you a new way to live.